I don't always tip But when I do, I make sure they see me before dropping it into the jar

If it's called alcoholics anonymous Why do you start out by telling everyone your name?

Is a broken can opener a can't opener?

There, there Ugly Bald Puppy

I want to lay on my side BUT MY iPHONE SCREEN KEEPS FLIPPING

What a strange walk to the office this morning Everyone was avoiding me

"Windows is checking for a solution to the problem" Actually fixes problem

I can't fall asleep while on vacation The sound of the ocean waves are too loud

Friend Cancels Plans for Tonight Secretly Relieved

Not sure if my dog is going deaf Or just deciding to ignore me

Takes Beautiful Woman out on date Runs into ex girlfriend

If only the good die young, Does that mean my grandma is evil?

If you're going to be a smart ass... first you have to be smart... Otherwise you're just an ass.

Ted doesn't Give A Shit Ted Bear: If I've ever offended you, just know that from the bottom of my heart, I really don't give a shit.

Writes heartfelt status wishing happy birthday to her mom Who doesn't have facebook